My washman.....

Just quit on me oh.

Got this text from him and i've been in stitches since

" Sister, pls be research for another laundry becs I will be round up my service wit U On 1st of Nov.@ d appointment will terminate henceforth. I will come with my iron on d 1st 4 ironing d remain clothes. Thanks

I'm still so so amused at this text.

Meanwhile na fire on the mountain be this oh, because i cannot iron to save my life LOL

Burnt Toast!!!!

I've had the image of "Burnt Toast" looming over my head since i stumbled on some write up about Teri Hatcher's book titled accordingly.





It was just a few lines but the concept has refused to leave my mind...





All day my mind has been processing and re-processing how much "burnt toast" i have consumed over the years, especially as it relates to "man matters"





The way it works basically is this, you try to make a toast or toast bread, and for some reason either because you're distracted or you wander off it gets burnt.





Then you think what the heck and you begin to scrape the top, just so that you don't have to re-start the process of making another toast.

For some slices, you have to scrape and scrape till the entire first layer is off and what you have isn't exactly toast anymore LOL

In some cases you slather on loads of butter, margarine or jam to hide the burnt taste.

You know you're not enjoying the meal, but you sit there anyway and pretend to yourself that the meal couldn't just taste better.








For me, my last 'serious' relationship was full of burnt toast or better still was burnt toast.





The toasting process began quite normally, half way down the line, the bread got burnt and i knew it wasn't worth my while but i said, hey everyone else is eating some version of burnt toast anyway, so i better make do with mine.





I slathered on so much butter and jam that my heart is probably clogged with fat now;) and continued to deceive myself that, that was the best I could get.





I Pretended i didn't/couldn't see the black part of the burnt toast and instead said to myself and even others that the little edges that managed to remain white (-e.g the sex,hmmmm what else now?)were enough to make up for the charred bread i was forcing myself to consume.



Many years down the line, my cup finally got full and i realised that i really couldn't bear the taste of charred/burnt toast anymore.....



I found strength and inspiration from within and a little(ok i lie, a lot) from my friends( you know who you are;) Thanks once again, even though you may never have realised this, I owe you both:) and i kinda moved on



Because i was used to the burnt flavour, i went back to my vomit a couple of times. After rising and falling endlessly, and maybe even getting my fingers burnt severly by the toaster and toast in ways you'd never imagine.....



Finally i got rid of the toast and today i must admit i'm doing better than i initially started out even though i'm not at the mark yet, i have definetely come a long way from the soppy, silly and Lovey dovey chick i used to be .



Moral of the story- Once your toast is changing colour or moving towards being burnt, it's time to get a grip and move on!!!



Never ever settle for the "next best thing"

To be or not to be.....

Just the way to round my day up;)

I've got this gentleman in love(or so he says) with me...

I kinda like him too(sometimes at least)

We've shagged in the past, it was more out of to reward him for his "efforts" that i started shagging him.

We couldn't just graduate into something beyond occasional shags

I moved onto another relationship and he did likewise

There's a long pause in our friendship

After many years we start to act civil towards each other and begin to call each other and stuff...

Then he tilts the usual way,

"He wants me" , "he loves me" " he needs me"

All code for let's shag

For some reason, let's say stupidity (for the purpose of this conversation)

I shag him again, knowing fully well that he has a girlfriend

Who he keeps claiming to like but not enough to shag her,

It's me he wants to shag!

He says i should feel lucky, he wants (to put his lean prick inside me- my words) me instead

In the spirit of our friendship developing into "maybe a relationship" ,

Today he called and says he wants to take me on a treat to TINAPA!!!!

I jump with glee, that's so exciting.

Then he says it'll cost about N200,000 and we should fifty the bill.

At this point i'm silent........

Because i'm thinking, while we are in TINAPA , i'd probably be expected to shag this gentleman.

Now does this not mean I am investing more in this trip??????????????

Or is my "lala" supposed to be given up "free of charge"?

Not like i expect to be paid or something, but i assume a gentleman who wants a lady (real bad, i must add) should be willing to impress her and pay his way, if i must add

He made me feel like i was materialistic, and perhaps greedy.

Is this the case?

Am i supposed to fifty bills, with a toaster cum potential boyfriend?????????

This morning like.....

..... many other mornings,

I stood in front of my closet( sorry afro i meant my wardrobe ;)

and looked at the heap(s) of clothes and tried to decide which of my many shirts/tops/ trousers/skirts etc to wear this morning

i couldn't help but bless God because there was a time when i didn't really have a choice

It was either my blue jeans and a green top or my black trousers and the other top.

I've come a very long way.....

I truly bless the Almighty God.

He's the reason we have and enjoy so many things we think are normal(and maybe even take for granted)

I started off very rough

Looking back now, i've walked a really long road.....

Father, this morning once again, i appreciate your mercies :)

"Under matters"

I'm currently wearing a G-string that has nearly sliced my anus into two.....

All in the name of latest fashion.

May my poor buttocks survive this day.

This is excruciating pain truly....

I need some "ep" people LOL

No Nollywood no!!!!!

Nigerian movies are favourite past time of mine....

Their stupidity is just "world class"

All my friends cannot understand why or how i manage to sit through them

I call everyone while watching to lament about this or about that ;)

And sadly these movies just ain't improving.

Last night i was watching a "Yoruba" movie and was astonished to see that three of the actors' names' were Linda, Stella and Michael and these are supposed to be Yoruba people oh. It just does not make sense, if they are supposedly selling Nigerian culture why not "native names"?

Some other film i watched ages ago had the star actresses named "Beyonce and Atlanta".For goodness sakes who names their Nigerian children that?????????

But hey i digress :)

The next movie i watched was an "English" movie and so naturally all the actors had "English" names, no i didn't mind at all,after all we need to match up with our contemporaries in Hollywood who bear names like Tracy, Anastasia and Sasha.

By the way i hear our Niger Delta brothers bear names like that anyway and i actually found myself a toaster(sort of anyway) named Romeo. He's from those parts apparently LOL

Imagine my shock when my good friend called me to ask how "Othello" (referring to Romeo) was doing ROFL

Again i digress,

So there i was watching this English Naija movie, that was filled with long unending scenes of trees and cars and people walking, when suddenly they started to play some stupid music ( it's the one they ALWAYS play) and some boys are trying to axe each other i guess it's supposed to be a "Cult hit" scene. Someone taps, note that i said "TAPS"the main actor with a hammer, and he lands in a hospital.

Next thing he's chilling on the hospital bed and his sister(or relation i assume) come weeping in that their MOTHER is dead.

In subsequent scenes people are "greeting" no sorry sympathising with him on the death of his FATHER....

so i think did he lose his mother or father???????????? because i clearly heard the girl say MAMA IS DEAD and i shake my head in agony at Nollywood and wonder why they can't just be a bit more thorough with productions....

The subtitles on most films are pathetic- typos everywhere and the expressions are just terrible.I mean what the freak!!!!

Ok now enough of the ranting, lemme go and watch the next movie on my line up ;)

So why.....

Do we say we eat/ate "3 square meals"???????????

What makes the meals square?

And then do we

"Drink" or "Eat" pap, custard, garri, cereal????????????

Just wondering;)