Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Mind over matter???

Life does change when you're a mum.
We went for a birthday party today and I actually got up to try and get party packs for my boys. infant when Tlash didn't get a particular gift he wanted I actually went to ask the hostess if she had a spare. I'd never have imagined that I would do such. Mcheeewwww
The title of my post is called mind over matter and its been long over due if you ask me.i once read an article in Genevieve magazine with that title. The lady writer was the girlfriend ie mistress of a married man and she says one of the secrets of her successful relationship with him was this mind over matter principle. The morality of her/the relationship will be discussed in another forum or post. The said principle is the bone of contention here.
The way it works is "as the female in the/any relationship" one must chose which issues to battle out. So for example where her man doesn't come visiting as scheduled she usually pretends it doesn't matter and she won't make a fuss or quarrel when he shows up. She says this earned her loads of respect, peace and perhaps some level of bliss in her relationship.
Now anyone knows that being in a serious relationship/marriage can be extremely harrowing where and when expectations aren't constantly being met. So I'm wondering to which matters exactly does one decide to apply mind over matter to?
Living with a man has shown and taught me that any and everything could be potential crisis triggers and indeed there are MANY matters to constantly deal with.
I for example detest lingering repairs. Especially when affordability isn't the issue. My spouse on the other hand stayed in a room without a bulb for close to a year because he couldn't be bothered to change the burnt/dead bulb. I chose mind over matter that period and didn't say a word about it and at his chosen time which was a year plus (or thereabouts) he changed the bulb. He feels certain things are more important to him than changing bulbs or ensuring the house is in some order of sorts. When I take charge of those kind of matters he is of course quick to enjoy the benefits. In my head, repairs for eg belong to the menfolk. But for the sake of peace do I "'mind over matter?"
For a wife who's spouse comes home late More often than not, all in the guise of work, should she for eg imbibe this mind over matter principle? Even when she's genuinely concerned about his safety or worried that God forbid he's spending time with a unilag gal or his colleague who's younger,perhaps prettier and supposedly generally hawter than she is?
money matters nko? If your hubby is a stingikoko do you just adjust your life accordingly or do you hassle his ass until he comes to term with the current economic realities of our country?
of course the less vocal and more accepting wives are usually praised as good stock and virtuous women. These are perhaps the real mind over matter women who leave it all in the hands of fate.
What am I writing sef, wonder if it makes any sense, make I sha dey type dey go.
The lady in the original article encouraged wives to imbibe this modus operandi but you see it was easier for her to perhaps stomach the man's nonsense because they're together for "short" periods anyway. And all men have varying degrees of nonsense and I'm sure i'll have a few supporters in saying that in the face of constant issues in any relationship especially marriage mind over matter while a good tool isn't one so easy to adopt.
My two cents!


Beautiful said...

I don't think mind over matter would work well in a marriage. It could work in a relationship as you both are not in a small space day in, day out.

Lol dead bulb for one year? I would have complained every single day.lool...guess I should learn some mind over matter.

doll (retired blogger) said...

i dont even think mind over matter is a good approach. Its better to voice your discontent or thrash out whatever issue is on ground.

The timing however, its what is key

The Nigerian said...

My dear! this mind over matter thing works o. I remember around 2003, I had gone to one of my aunt's house (House boy/House girl things!) This woman's husband will come back by 2:00am madam will welcome him with open arms. On more than several occasions, her friends will come over to inform her about my Uncle's many girlfriends. Aunty did not say a word. fast forward 2010, I'm now a matured person (hehe) I run into Uncle in Abuja and over lunch, the man started telling me how he was always afraid of Aunty. He could not understand why she never said a word, and out of that fear he would do things she asked him to. I'm not saying that making your spouse afraid is good, but the closest thing to fear in Nigeria is respect. so if anything, you'll earn their respect when you keep a blind eye to what they do.

LadyNgo said...

Aside from the fact that said advice comes from a side piece lol...

I think mind over matter should be used for small things. Once upon a time, i heard that if something bothers you, you should go to sleep on it and if you wake up in the morning and it still bothers you then you should confront it. That way you're not starting WWIII over things that turn out not to be a big deal and you have time to address the issue when you aren't overrun with emotion.

I don't however, think mind over matter approach should be used for things that legit effect your marriage/life i.e cheating, finance, abuse, etc.

Myne Whitman said...

I am on the mind over matter camp, but only on little issues, on life affecting issues, we definitely have to talk.

Ginger said...

The Nigerian's comment is a funny one. prolly not funny to the wife. It worked for the man because he didnt not know what to expect from his wife whereas if she had gone the souting/threatening/crying route he would know where the land lies.

That being said, mind over matter over should be on the little things. The ones you can take/do without grumbling. Like the light bulb example. You already knew what you were getting into ;).

Over late night coming aside safety issues, he is a husband with a responsibility to wife and kids. He needs to be at home to play those roles.

Over cheating....mind over matter is crap. Na so i go mind over matter and get HIV. I will only play out The Nigerian's Auntys' scene if i know i am leaving that marriage. Mind over matter will be strategic cause I want to fleece him well.

My 2cents shaa.

Ginger said...

Thanks for your kind words on my blog !
Just realised its been awhile i was here :)

Fluffycutething said...

Thanks everyone for stopping by. I deduce generally that it seems a better approach for little issues no matter how irritating the maybe eg the light bulb! Lol

From doll I learnt that perhaps timing is key!

Good stuff from everyone

Mojisola said...

I think like every rule, its not all black and white. Even when its mind over matter a beg creativity is key.

Give a man an inch and he will take a mile. I really do not know that many men who respect their wives for looking the other way when he is having an affair. The ones I know personally went from late nights to disappearing over weekends. Then comes the nasty fight and suddenly he starts going home again.

In the midst of her said...

One has to pick their battles in marriage. If the bulb thing was bothering me, I would have changed it myself. When it comes to a bigger issue, then I bring it up.

Enkay said...

The Genevieve lady has that mindset because the man is her 'boyfriend' not her husband. 'Mind over matter'for many issues will end up piling those issues for a major volcanic eruption down the line.

Me I no dey o!

divadivine said...

I think mind over matter can be useful for petty things but if something truly bothers a person they should find a way to respectfully air it out. it's supposed to be a partnership. and as for the mistress...

NoLimit said...

I won't even call it mind over matter!
choosing your battle is a wise thing to do but communication between both parties is even more important.
for short term unimpportant inconsequential matters, yes mind over matter.
but for issues that won't go away, I saw communicate and address the issue not the person and of 'cos timing is everything!!!

mr&mrs talklovealways said...

I don hear this. i have learnt alot of things here. My woman sef they time me now but i gats move from single thinking to double thinking.

chidimma said...


picking up the pieces 1

Picking up the pieces It may not completely make sense but I want to document this phase I passed through Sometimes life decides to hand...